Visitors Funeral Guide
When a
friend or acquaintance dies, your first reaction may be to help, but you
may not be sure of what to say or do. It is natural to feel this way.
This information is designed to give you a few suggestions and also
provide helpful advice on how you can be of comfort to the bereaved.
While
you may feel hesitant about intruding on the family during their grief, it
is important to visit them. It lets the family know that while their
loved one is gone, they are not alone.
When Should I Visit?
Upon
learning of a death, intimate friends of the family should visit the home
to offer sympathy and offer help. Sometimes it is easier to visit the
family at the funeral home where the setting may be more comfortable
because they are prepared for visitors.
“ Part of the Sussex Community since 1893
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What is Visitation?
Visitation
provides a time and place for friends to offer their expressions of support and
sympathy.
When you
arrive, go to the family and express your sympathy with an embrace or offering
your hand. Don’t feel as though you must avoid talking about the person who has
died. Talking can help the grieving process begin. If you were an acquaintance
of the deceased but not well known to the family, immediately introduce
yourself. Do not feel uncomfortable if you or the family become emotional or
begin to cry. Allowing the family to grieve is a natural healing process.
However, if you find yourself becoming extremely upset, it would be kinder to
excuse yourself so as not to increase the strain on the family.
Viewing the
deceased is not mandatory. However, if you are moved to the casket by the
family, it is customary to show your respect by viewing the deceased, and, if
you desire, spending a few moments in silent prayer.
It is very
important to remember to sign your name in the register book. If you were a
business associate of the deceased, it is appropriate to note your company
affiliation or the family may not otherwise know you.
Your simple
presence will mean a lot to the family. You do not need to stay for the entire
visitation, but try not to leave during any prayers that might be offered.
How Long Should I Stay At A
Visitation?
It is only
necessary to stay long enough to express your sympathy and offer support.
What Should I Say?
Using your
own words, express your sympathy. A kind word about the person who has died is
always appropriate. If the family wants to talk, they usually just need to
express their feelings; they aren’t necessarily looking for a response from
you. The kindest response is usually a warm hug and a sympathetic ear.
Other
Expressions of Sympathy
While
there is no substitute for a personal visit, there are many other ways to
express your sympathy.
E-MAIL
E-mail is appropriate from those who are not intimate with the family such as a
business associate or a former neighbor. The family will appreciate your
message of concern.
FLOWERS
Flowers can be a great comfort to the family and may be sent to the funeral home
or to the residence. Some people prefer to send flowers to the residence
afterwards. If the family suggests donations be made in lieu of flowers, you
should honor that request.
FOOD FOR THE
FAMILY
Food is always a welcome show of support. It helps take the pressure off when
there are several visitors in the house. During the days immediately following
the death, substantial dishes that require little preparation other than
reheating are appropriate.
MASS CARDS
If the deceased was Catholic some people will send a mass card instead or in
addition to flowers. Catholics and non-Catholics may arrange for a mass to be
said for the deceased. It is also appropriate to arrange a mass on the
anniversary of the death.
CHARITABLE
DONATIONS
A donation made to a Charitable Organization as a memorial gift is always
appropriate, especially when the family has requested it, in lieu of flowers.
Usually, the family will suggest a specific organization or charity. It is
acceptable to mention your gift in a sympathy note without mentioning the amount
of the gift. When possible, Wallace Funeral Home will offer a direct link to
charities requested by the family.
PHONE CALLS
If you live out of town you should telephone as soon as possible to offer your
sympathy. Keep the call brief, since others will probably be trying to call as
well.
Whether the
service is held at the funeral home or at a Church, enter quietly and be
seated. The first few rows are usually reserved for family members, however,
people should sit close behind them to give comfort and support. A member of
the clergy usually conducts the ceremony, but others may offer thoughts,
anecdotes, or eulogies. At the conclusion of the service, if you plan to follow
the procession to the cemetery you should go and wait in your car. Remember to
turn your high beams on so you can be identified as being a part of the
procession. Also remember to turn your headlights off once you arrive at the
cemetery.
Immediately After The Funeral
Often,
family and friends are invited to share in a time of fellowship at the home or a
hall, this gives everyone a chance to talk and provides some time to relax and
refresh. Often, friends or members of the Church will take it upon themselves
to prepare food ahead of time for this gathering, and relieve the family of this
task.
Days and
Weeks Following The Funeral
What Do I Say When I See The
Family In Public?
What you say
depends on if you’ve already had contact with them. If you attended the
visitation or funeral, merely greet them warmly as you would have prior to the
death. If this is your first meeting with them since the death, offer your
condolences but don’t dwell on the topic.
A good rule
of thumb is to let them control the conversation, they will bring up the recent
death if they want to talk about it. Perhaps, just offering a word of
encouragement and say you’ve been thinking about them is enough. Extending an
invitation to get together, either at home or out for lunch or dinner is always
a nice gesture.
What Can I Do To Help Later?
In the days
and months to come, the family will continue to need your support. Make an
effort to stay in touch. Continue to include them in social events, they will
let you know when they are ready to participate. It is also nice to remember
the family on special occasions during the first year following the death.
Don’t worry about bringing up the pain and emotion of the loss, they are well
aware of that. By remembering such occasions as wedding anniversaries and
birthdays, you are not remembering the death, but reaffirming that a life was
lived.
It is our
sincere hope that this information will help guide you on how your can be of
comfort to someone who is grieving the lost of their loved one. If there
is any other information or questions you may have, please feel free to contact
us any time by e-mail
sbaldwin@wallacefuneralhome.com by telephone (506) 433-1176 or stop by
at your convenience. |
