When a friend or acquaintance dies, your first reaction may be to help, but you may not be sure of what to say or do.  It is natural to feel this way.  This information is designed to give you a few suggestions and also provide helpful advice on how you can be of comfort to the bereaved.

While you may feel hesitant about intruding on the family during their grief, it is important to visit them.  It lets the family know that while their loved one is gone, they are not alone.

When Should I Visit?

Upon learning of a death, intimate friends of the family should visit the home to offer sympathy and offer help.  Sometimes it is easier to visit the family at the funeral home where the setting may be more comfortable because they are prepared for visitors.

What is Visitation?

Visitation provides a time and place for friends to offer their expressions of support and sympathy.

When you arrive, go to the family and express your sympathy with an embrace or offering your hand.  Don’t feel as though you must avoid talking about the person who has died.  Talking can help the grieving process begin.  If you were an acquaintance of the deceased but not well known to the family, immediately introduce yourself.  Do not feel uncomfortable if you or the family become emotional or begin to cry.  Allowing the family to grieve is a natural healing process.  However, if you find yourself becoming extremely upset, it would be kinder to excuse yourself so as not to increase the strain on the family.

Viewing the deceased is not mandatory.   However, if you are moved to the casket by the family, it is customary to show your respect by viewing the deceased, and, if you desire, spending a few moments in silent prayer.

It is very important to remember to sign your name in the register book.  If you were a business associate of the deceased, it is appropriate to note your company affiliation or the family may not otherwise know you.

Your simple presence will mean a lot to the family.  You do not need to stay for the entire visitation, but try not to leave during any prayers that might be offered.

How Long Should I Stay At A Visitation?

It is only necessary to stay long enough to express your sympathy and offer support.

What Should I Say?

Using your own words, express your sympathy.  A kind word about the person who has died is always appropriate.  If the family wants to talk, they usually just need to express their feelings; they aren’t necessarily looking for a response from you.  The kindest response is usually a warm hug and a sympathetic ear.

Other Expressions of Sympathy

While there is no substitute for a personal visit, there are many other ways to express your sympathy.

E-MAIL
E-mail is appropriate from those who are not intimate with the family such as a business associate or a former neighbor.  The family will appreciate your message of concern.

FLOWERS
Flowers can be a great comfort to the family and may be sent to the funeral home or to the residence.  Some people prefer to send flowers to the residence afterwards.  If the family suggests donations be made in lieu of flowers, you should honor that request.

FOOD FOR THE FAMILY
Food is always a welcome show of support.  It helps take the pressure off when there are several visitors in the house.  During the days immediately following the death, substantial dishes that require little preparation other than reheating are appropriate.

MASS CARDS
If the deceased was Catholic some people will send a mass card instead or in addition to flowers.  Catholics and non-Catholics may arrange for a mass to be said for the deceased.  It is also appropriate to arrange a mass on the anniversary of the death.

CHARITABLE DONATIONS
A donation made to a Charitable Organization as a memorial gift is always appropriate, especially when the family has requested it, in lieu of flowers.  Usually, the family will suggest a specific organization or charity.  It is acceptable to mention your gift in a sympathy note without mentioning the amount of the gift.  When possible, Wallace Funeral Home will offer a direct link to charities requested by the family.

PHONE CALLS
If you live out of town you should telephone as soon as possible to offer your sympathy.  Keep the call brief, since others will probably be trying to call as well.  

Whether the service is held at the funeral home or at a Church, enter quietly and be seated.  The first few rows are usually reserved for family members, however, people should sit close behind them to give comfort and support.  A member of the clergy usually conducts the ceremony, but others may offer thoughts, anecdotes, or eulogies.  At the conclusion of the service, if you plan to follow the procession to the cemetery you should go and wait in your car.  Remember to turn your high beams on so you can be identified as being a part of the procession.  Also remember to turn your headlights off once you arrive at the cemetery.

Immediately After The Funeral

Often, family and friends are invited to share in a time of fellowship at the home or a hall, this gives everyone a chance to talk and provides some time to relax and refresh.  Often, friends or members of the Church will take it upon themselves to prepare food ahead of time for this gathering, and relieve the family of this task.

  Days and Weeks Following The Funeral

What Do I Say When I See The Family In Public?

What you say depends on if you’ve already had contact with them.  If you attended the visitation or funeral, merely greet them warmly as you would have prior to the death.   If this is your first meeting with them since the death, offer your condolences but don’t dwell on the topic.

A good rule of thumb is to let them control the conversation, they will bring up the recent death if they want to talk about it.  Perhaps, just offering a word of encouragement and say you’ve been thinking about them is enough. Extending an invitation to get together, either at home or out for lunch or dinner is always a nice gesture.

What Can I Do To Help Later?

In the days and months to come, the family will continue to need your support. Make an effort to stay in touch.  Continue to include them in social events, they will let you know when they are ready to participate.  It is also nice to remember the family on special occasions during the first year following the death.  Don’t worry about bringing up the pain and emotion of the loss, they are well aware of that.  By remembering such occasions as wedding anniversaries and birthdays, you are not remembering the death, but reaffirming that a life was lived.

It is our sincere hope that this information will help guide you on how your can be of comfort to someone who is grieving the lost of their loved one.  If there is any other information or questions you may have, please feel free to contact us any time by e-mail sbaldwin@wallacefuneralhome.com  by telephone (506) 433-1176 or stop by at your convenience.

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